Sunkissed
I used to dye my hair all the time. The sweetest natural high rushed over me while mixing the ingredients together. I could feel the exhilaration creep through my pores while shaking the bottle. Because I knew I was just moments away from what felt like a rebirth. Watching the roots turn from dark brown to a different color was my way of feeling the joy of starting over. You know when you have the idea to begin a new diet? You might say, "I'll start on Monday." There's something of note regarding the demarcation of an "official restart."
Brown hair reminded me of 90's Maria. The Walkman, Ricky Lake, Backstreet Boys, baggy jeans, mini bookbags, and my dark brown hair could be locked into a 90's vault. Put away for 100 years so that people in 2095 could see the antiquated music, media, and the curly hair that belonged to a mixed girl from Virginia.
I love my brown hair. However, I identify with a sunkissed blonde. There's a glow about it that represents the light I feel inside, bursting through my darkest parts. I've dyed my hair many colors in the past. Dark blue, purple, gray, honey, black, and bleach have all had residency in my look.
In 2018, something happened to me. I became depressed. You read that right. I literally saw the world in black and white and the worst part was... I didn't know I was depressed. This poignant revelation was only confirmed in retrospect. Looking back, I can see the gradual decline in my mental health expressed in many different ways.
I was gaining weight. I was drinking alcohol every weekend, and if I wasn't working, I just wanted to sleep. The catalyst for that period was that I had to abruptly leave Los Angeles and move back to Virginia with my daughters. At the time, I was on the brink of what felt like a total breakthrough in Los Angeles. I had an incredible job, great friends, and I just bought a convertible car. Moreover, I was just six months away from getting my own apartment to welcome my children into, and then... I left it all. I flew to the Dominican Republic to pick up my daughters. They went there to spend time with their father and stepmom. However, when their stepmother died suddenly in a car accident, the visit was forced to come to an abrupt and tragic end. I am so thankful that I had the money and ability to scoop my children from unexpected devastation while their family helped put the pieces of their life together. But, it was at the cost of the bearings in my dream town.
When you're sad, you don't feel like rejuvenating yourself with hair dye, clothes, and little acts of self-care. Why? Because you can't see clothes and tinted curls in the dark. My life was overshadowed by the weight of starting from square -1. For five years I didn't do anything to change my look because I was sad. I was what they called a functioning depressive. And I masked it with humor, pretend happiness, and staying extremely busy. But, when I would lay on my pillow at night, I would cry. Laying on my pillow, I'd sob big, salty tears. I felt like I had driven my life in the wrong direction so far... that it was beyond saving.
They say it's darkest before the dawn. And my life story is a testament to that truism. Because when the sun broke through in my life, I forgot what dusk looked like. And, you know what? It wasn't moving or making more money that let the light in. Though, establishing those two things has wrapped me in the extra comfort of financial security and adventure.
What made the difference in my life was Jesus. I surrendered. I stopped worshiping the God that I created in my imagination and began to read the bible. I learned who He is and by way of spending time with Him, God showed me who I am... and why we're all here. I believe we are created to pour ourselves out in service to Him. When I discovered this truth -- I was ready to open the windows of my creative heart. I felt so brand new, refreshed, and full of hope, that I could have skipped to the store when I bought the hair dye kit, ready to sun kiss my hair again.
